Diary Wars
by SeveruSeprentine
Summary: SSRL, RLOC, implied SBRL. Marauder Era. The world seems to bein love with Remus, Remus keeps telling himself not to be in love with Severus, Caramelina is caught somewhere in the middle, and everyone is running around with everyone else's diary!
1. April 1, 1973

**Diary Wars**

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Hello, my darlings! I know it's been a while, and this ISN'T 'All Because They Tried to Kill Me' but believe me, it's just as good. I promise. It was cowritten with a fellow RPer on 'Wizard's Hideout', named CaramelX.x. She wrote Caramelina, I wrote Severus and Remus. This story evolved as it was written, and it's much darker than a lot of the other thisn I write (except maybe 'Alpha' which I haven't posted yet). Anyways, enough of my blather, on with the story!

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_Names in ( ) indicate whose diary follows. Chapters are arranged in chronological order, datewise._

(Caramelina)

Dear Emem,  
Well today was absolutely hopeless, I am quite sad now that i think about it... I was just staring at Remus and I think he turned his head and caught my eye, I cant believe I blushed so hard... I think my face made a new shade of red to add to the color chart... I've been watching him you know.  
Abigail(a Slytherin girl in my dorm) insists that I'm stalking him...well she's the only one here who talks to me now that I'm friends with Lily...  
Severus is alright though...sweet, I think he has a crush on my dear Remme too, because we often gossip about him. Both of us are beginning to get a little suspicious, Remus and Sirius are just too close... and its sort of unnerving you know? Sirius is watching me like a hawk right now... and he's coming over... uh oh...

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(Remus)

April 1, 1973, Fifth Year

Next time I see Sirius, i'm going to hit him. He really has no sense of when to keep his mouth shut. I mean, I knew he was sore about us breaking up last month, but sometimes he really can be cruel.

Apparently he stole the diary of a poor Slytherin girl, and not only that, but at dinner tonight he announced to the whole great hall that she had a crush on me. It was terrible. The poor thing looked like she was either going to kill him or start crying or both. And then the idiot had the audacity to shout 'April fools!'

She was quite pretty, though. If I manage to get her diary out of Sirius's den (honestly, he can't keep his room orderly for all of five seconds) I'll give it back to her, maybe ask her name.

I wonder if Sirius was really joking...


	2. April 3, 1973

**Diary Wars**

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_Names in ( ) indicate whose diary follows. Chapters are arranged in chronological order, datewise._

(Remus)

April 3, 1973, Fifth Year

Operation 'Get Back Slytherin Girl's Diary' is not going well. Oh, getting INTO Sirius room was easy enough; he and James give me the password to Gryffindor Tower every time it's changed so I can hang out with them.

No, the problem is actually FINDING the damn thing. Sirius and James' dorm is so filled with crap that I can barely walk, let alone find a diary i've never seen before for a girl I don't know. Normally I could just ask Sirius; make up some elaborate story about needing it to study the way girl's minds work or something, which is something he was been begging me to explain to him for ages before he realized he also liked guys.

But I can't ask him. He and I can barely talk anymore now; everything is so awkward between us. I mean, fucking hell, we lost our virginities to one another! How awkward would YOU feel, asking someone who'd been that close to you for help when what you're trying to do is get close to someone else? Call me cliche, but I don't want to hurt him.

Perhaps I can trick James into telling me where it is. Somehow he managed to remain blissfully unaware of my relationship with Sirius. Either that, or he's extremely good at ignoring things he doesn't want to see. I mean, I love James as a friend and everything, he's great, but... he's alarmingly homophobic. He'll go ballistic if he ever allows himself to see that two of his best friends are bi.

Yes, I think James is my best bet. Wish me luck, Diary.


	3. April 7, 1973

**Diary Wars**

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_Names in ( ) indicate whose diary follows. Chapters are arranged in chronological order, datewise._

(Remus)

April 7, 1973, Fifth Year

Snape really is a fag. And no, i'm not just repeating what James says, although he is rather fond of pointing that out to everyone around him and indeed, pointed it out to me for no apparent reason when he gave me the girl's diary a few hours ago. Everyone assumes that James hates Snape just because he can, but as I mentioned before, James is a raging homophobe, and Snape isn't exactly keeping his fagishness quiet. I mean, with hair that long and clothes that Victorian, what else could he be? He looks like one of those gay vampires out of the romance novels in the Restricted Section.

Anyway, what brought this random rant against Snape and James on happened earlier today, when I swear Snape was staring at me. Like, STARING. With this look that was like, 'I want to eat you alive.' It was scary. And then of course James noticed and had to beat Snape within and inch of his life like always. I wish he'd stop doing that. I mean, i don't like Snape, at least not like that, but he's already beat up enough without James doing it too. He comes back from every break covered in cuts and bruises and smelling like terror. That's his only excuse for wearing such concealing clothes and having hair that long.

But anyways. Enough about that. I'm not going to let it faze me, because now i've got that girl's diary, and i'm off to find out whether Sirius was just joking or not.

April 7, 1973, Fifth Year (Later)

... He wasn't. Oh, fucking hell, he wasn't. And she's liked me for months. She's had dreams about me. I'd be flattered, except I feel a bit stalked. Which, I suppose, could be taken as a compliment, but...

Augh. Well, i'll give her the diary back, and see how things go. Now i'm off to bed. I have a lot to think about.


	4. April 8, 1973

**Diary Wars**

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_Names in ( ) indicate whose diary follows. Chapters are arranged in chronological order, datewise._

(Remus)

April 8, 1973, Fifth Year

I gave Caramelina (that's the name of Slytherin Girl) back her diary today. I mean, didn't give it to her face... I just sort of left it lying near her chair in Defense Class and she picked it up. After what I read, i'm still a little too shy to try to talk to her. So instead I sat in my own seat, trying to look totally innocent, like I hadn't gone through it and read about all of her erotic dreams featuring me. I think she guessed, though. At least, her eyes kept flicking over to me more than was really natural.

Of course, she wasn't the only one. Snape was staring too, again, which is unnerving me a little bit. Under any other circumstances I wouldn't mind as much - hell, he's okay once you get past the grease and the sneering and the complete and utter lack of anything that resembles confidence, but... well, i've sort of been put off guys at the moment. I don't want another repeat of Sirius, where everything is just so wonderful and then... it just sort of... dies. Suddenly. And you don't even know why, but there it is, lying on the floor, bleeding to death in front of you, and the sad thing is, you can't find enough love left to care. And you both just look away like it never happened at all.

Of course, being stared at and lusted after is nothing new to me - as Sirius put it, back when we could still look at each other without blushing and looking away, "Everyone has fantasized about Moony at some point." I can't really think why; i'm so shy, unassuming, plain... and if they knew what I was, nobody would want me anymore.

But then again, Snape knows. And that's not stopping him from staring at me like that. Oh god, i'm so confused...


	5. April 14, 1973

**Diary Wars**

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_Names in ( ) indicate whose diary follows. Chapters are arranged in chronological order, datewise._

(Remus)

April 14, 1973, Fifth Year

I'm sorry I haven't written for so long, but the full moon lasted for a little longer than normal this month and i've been in no condition to hold a quill. God, I hate this time after transformation, where i'm aching and sore and covered in cuts and bruises and blood. I hate not even being able to remember what happened to get me into this state in the first place. Sometimes I just want it to end, wonder why I don't just kill myself in wolf form and die painlessly; I won't remember it anyway.

...

God, I disgust myself sometimes. I don't even know what brought that on. I'd cross it out, but I did swear to myself that once something was in my diary I'd leave it there for truth's sake. So there you go. Even Remus Lupin feels suicidal sometimes. The boy that everyone sees smiling, adorable and modest and unassuming, really lives behind a mask. The real me is jaded, perhaps irrevocably. I've lost at life and love - had my life ripped from me by something I can't change now, and my love torn up by Fate's morbid sense of humor.

I wish I knew why they all loved me. I wish I knew if what they see is this mask I've put on, or if they're looking past it to the real me, and still loving what they find there. Sirius didn't like what he found, apparently. I don't know what Snape will find, if he ever gets the chance. And Caramelina... can't ever know. I'm not letting a girl that sweet get shattered by the realization of what I really am. I'm tired of people deserting me the moment they find out; so far everyone has but James and Sirius and Peter. Why should she be any different?

So there'll be no getting close to the girl. I'm not going to hurt her too.


	6. April 15, 1973

**Diary Wars**

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Hello, Darlings, again! Just want to say that this is where things get good. Also, all grammar/spelling mistakes are left in intentionally to reproduce the uncensored quality of a diary, not because I can't beta my own work. So don't worry. If there's a mispelling, I see it. Also, sorry for the confusion in this chapter, the timeline went a little wonky, but it should be pretty easy to understand anyways. Love!

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_Names in ( ) indicate whose diary follows. Chapters are arranged in chronological order, datewise._

(Remus)

April 15, 1973, Fifth Year

I think Caramelina and Snape have got together and are stalking me as a team, I seriously do. I see them during classes, just talking to one another, occasionally glancing at me with that furtive 'oh-please-don't-notice' look that means they're up to something. They look so odd together; the pale, platinum blonde girl with those big, bright eyes, and the boy who would be pale if his skin wasn't covered in bruises, with only one of his heavily-lidded black eyes showing through the curtain of black hair that falls all the way to his waist. In fact, really all it is is an eye, a sliver of skin, and half of a mouth; his face is almost completely covered by his hair now. Something rather nasty must have happened to the other eye if he's keeping it this firmly covered.

It's like a delicate tango of eyes, the way we interact. I have to be careful not to get caught staring at them; almost more careful than they have to be about getting caught staring at me. I'll look at the ceiling while they look at me, but the moment they've turned away to talk my eyes are on them, trying to catch an expression, trying to read their lips, even their minds. I wish I knew what they really think of me; am I right or am I just guessing? Do they really love me the way they think they do? Oh, love is so often incorrect, so often hollow, and not even the person feeling it knows it until too late...

They're looking at me again. I have to pretend i'm taking notes while i'm writing this instead. Don't get me wrong, I love Defense Class, i've even thought of coming back to teach it if I can, but... well... I already know all of this. It's review, which is something I've never needed. Hell, I barely even need studying. Photographic memory, right?

Sirius is trying to see what i'm writing. Fuck. I have to go.

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(Caramelina) 

April 15  
Dear Emem,  
I am starting to worry, worry a lot... I noticed Remus staring at Sevy and I staring at him... and then, today I found you in defense, I have a small inkling that Remus had you...just by the look of him. I hope he didn't read all of it... the dreams and all! Sevy reckons that he knows about our little fan club...Sirius must've told him. OHH I am so going to slaughter that boy! When I get my hands on him... I will tear him limb from limb and... oh oh, i just realized why i am in Slytherin. Sad really.  
Sevy and I were out on the school grounds late yesterday, Lily came along also, and we were discussing some things, Lily heard Remus talking about me... She didn't want to tell me... but she knew she had to. Sirius had read something out of Remus's diary...apparently he wants nothing to do with me...Of course when Lily had yelled at Remus(which she never does...) James had shamelessly asked her out and said that if she accepted, Cara was guaranteed a double date. Lily hit him. yes you heard me... SHE HIT HIM!! the most fabulous thing ever...but poor james...  
Anyways...I would've taken the date if Lily hadn't been so proud...anything to spend time with him...feel him, even just smell him. No. I am not a stalker.

Well that is all for a little, you see I'm in class right now, which means i have to pay attention, right. So I better put my diary away before she steals it. Her and Alice are at Mine and Sevy's table now, so id better go.  
I'l probably fill the rest in later on today!  
Ciao  
Caramel

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(Remus) 

April 15th, 1973, Fifth Year

Why does everything keep going from bad to worse, and why is everyone running around with everyone else's diary?!

Somehow Sirius got a hold of mine, and started reading out loud - the entry about Caramelina I made yesterday... about how I wanted nothing to do with her. It was terrible. Lily overheard; she's friends with Caramelina, apparently, because she was suddenly right up against me, yelling so loud I thought my ears would explode. How I was a terrible boy, to say things like that without even personally knowing her, to just suddenly decide to cut a perfectly nice person out of my life... but she doesn't know the whole story. Doesn't know that I know that Caramelina is in love with me. Doesn't know that i'm... a werewolf. Doesn't know what I could do to a poor, innocent girl like that.

Luckily I managed to get my diary back before Sirius could read any more of it aloud. Oh, god, things are getting worse and worse. And Snape and Caramelina STILL WON'T STOP STARING AT ME.

April 15, 1973, Fifth Year (Later that day)

Fuuuuuuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. And did I mention fuck?

Oh, you're not even going to believe this. You're seriously not. Hell, I barely believe it myself. It's only been an hour and the entire world has come crashing down around my ears. Anyway. You know how Merrythought has been rambling about this 'final project' for ages? Well, he assigned groups today and finally told us what it was. But the last bit's not important, because you know who I got put in a group with? I bet you won't be the least bit surprised.

Yeah, that's right. I'm stuck in a group with Sirius, Snape, and Caramelina. Becuase Merrythought insists that we ought to work with those of our rival houses, to 'build interhouse bonds'. Oh, gods. Two weeks working with the boy who can't even look at me, the boy who can't stop staring at me, and the girl who has erotic dreams about me and blushes every time we make eye contact. Damn.

Why does Fate hate me? Wasn't it enough to make me a bisexual werewolf? But no. Then I had to fall in love with a boy who left me only a few months later, for no real reason other than he 'wasn't interested' anymore. And now? Now I have to be caught in the middle of some warped love triangle on top of it all. I don't love Sirius, and he doesn't love me, even if he is still extremely over-protective of me, and I don't love Snape, though I might if I ever decide to let myself like boys again, and Caramelina i have already labeled off limits. I'm doomed.

And now I have to work with them for two fucking weeks to invent an entirely new charm, jinx, curse, and spell, one for each of us to work on and help each other with. Damn.

What did I do to deserve this?!

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(Caramelina) 

April 15th (continuation of her last entry)

OMG. Yes words I don't utter very often, But its a special case you see... I was assigned my partners today for a project a long time coming... I really thought I'd get Alice and Lily as partner's since I talk to them... and it does promote unity right? they are Gryffindors...

But i guess it isn't good enough for professor whatchamacallhim, yes, I still call the professor that, i cannot pronounce it, It will never change...

Anyways, Guess who's my partner? Sevy(obviously), Remus... and Sirius but he doesn't count cause I'd like to make him shove it.

But that's not the reason for my OMG's, see the thing is, he gave me a look Remus that is, gave me a look. Like he would've wanted nothing better than to die at the moment, sad huh? Yes i feel very sad about it. After class though, Sirius was trailing after Lily and I (Sevy had taken off to see slughorn for potions) and he said something... very suspicious, he winked at me and told me he'd be seeing me in hogsmeade. Now when I "befriended" the oh so charming Sirius Black(and a very humm, nice friend he is)... I just thought Oh well, Id watch him screw a few girls but I certainly did not expect this sort of humm, attention.  
Lily put it upon herself to say rather loudly, that sirius had an eye on me, but...I do not believe it, I still think there is something fishy about him and remus.  
Anyways, if he does have his eye on me... WRONG MARAUDER, GOSH!  
I feel weird lately, like someone is watching me.  
I just wish it was Remme, You know ever since Lily told me what she heard... i can't stop feeling like my heart is shattered. Its horrible, Alice, who is always terribly perky, decided she was going to be my own personal cheerleader, and now cheers me on at everything I do...  
Oh my, Well Ive gotta go now,  
It seems homework has built up on me...  
All this watching Remme and all... very time consuming.  
Well Ill get back to you soon.  
Caramel


	7. April 16, 1973

**Diary Wars**

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Yay, Severus's first entry! _

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_Names in ( ) indicate whose diary follows. Chapters are arranged in chronological order, datewise._

(Remus)

April 16th, 1973, Fifth Year

Depite the strangeness of our little group, we've managed to get far enough to decide on a theme for our project (though it was after quite a while of trying to talk Sirius out of 'Spells Named after Sexual Positions'). In the end, we decided on the four elements, a rather predictable choice, but one that would yield the best results spell-wise, as the elements are some of the most powerful magical things in the world. We also have our allotments parsed out by now. Sirius is doing the jinx (themed from the Earth element), Snape the curse (Water), Caramelina the charm (Fire), and I the spell (Air).

Honestly, though, I don't know how we're going to get through it. Snape and I seem to be the only two capable of actually getting anything done: Caramelina tends to stare into space for long stretches of time, an odd expression on her face, and Sirius is always talking with James, who is sitting at the table next to us, and in fact completely ignoring that he's in our group at all.

I think Snape's already nearly done with his, even as I write this. He hasn't spoken to anyone all period, just scribbled in his little black leather notebook. I wish I could see what he's writing, but it looks to be backwards and not even I can read something that's written backwards while it's also upside down.

I wish Caramelina would take this seriously. She's got more sense than Sirius; I mean, doesn't everybody? But no, she just sits there, looking at the ceiling again, and I actually have to reach across and tap her on the shoulder to snap her out of it... multiple times. And every time, the moment my fingers make contact with her she jumps and blushes, and I pull back quickly, not wanting to keep the contact, not wanting to give her ideas.

I wish Snape would stop smelling like basil. It's not fair for him to smell like something I like when I'm supposed to be strictly not-liking him. It's also not fair of him to have such nice looking hands. Rather elegant, if a bit long.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!

(Severus)

april sixteen

i don't want to write a fucking diary. i've never had the patience, or the time. or the inclination. but it's homework, so now i have to do it. joy. i don't want to. but apparently you can put whatever you want into a diary, so there at least i can find solace in the idea. i can finally say what i really think of my father without him ever reading it. but part of me wishes he would, because then i would have an excuse to fight him properly, and kill the fucking son of a bitch once and for all.

i don't have to capitalize, don't have to worry about grammar, there's no rules, oh hell this is wonderful...

fuck. i'm supposed to be working on a curse for defense class.


	8. April 20, 1973

**Diary Wars**

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_Names in ( ) indicate whose diary follows. Chapters are arranged in chronological order, datewise._

(Caramelina)

Dear Emem,  
I'm sorry I haven't written anything but...Father took me out of school for a few days,  
I haven't told anyone where I disappeared to...not even Sevy but i have a feeling he already knows...  
He hurt me... I have the most painful bruise on my cheek, and on my shoulders and he kicked me in the back of the knees. He saw me with Lily you see... heard she was muggleborn too.  
He didn't like it very much...thought it wasn't very "pureblood" of me, thought he could punch it all out. But I'm not going to let him...I think. remus hasn't even asked where I was...  
I didn't tell him about my spell yet either... I finished it the morning it was assigned, he looks so disappointed in me every time he looks at me. And you know what? I think something's up again...but this time with Sevy, AND remus.  
I'm confused...really confused, and yesterday, Sirius noticed the bruise on my face...even when its been covered up magically...  
And then he-he kissed me.  
Umm, i don't really know how to make out words at the moment, so ill go now...  
Caramel

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(Remus) 

April 20th, 1973, Fifth Year

Caramelina. Fuck. I don't even know where to start. I can smell anger and hatred and pain all around her, and I swear she had bruises... and I really want to do something, say something, I don't like watching people suffer... but I can't get close to her! I can't! Because I can't hurt her... and anyways, someone's already gotten there. I don't think she knows, but I saw her and Sirius kissing yesterday, and it didn't look like she was putting up much of a fight... and i'm glad. Because it means that I don't have to worry as much if she's found someone else to latch onto. I stand less of a chance of hurting her. Though it did cause me a bit of pain, I will admit, to see Sirius kissing someone else... but he and I are through. THROUGH.

And thank god, because for some reason, I can't stop staring at Snape. We keep accidentally making eye contact and looking away, blushing. It's so cliché that it's almost funny. Almost. Except I can't like him. I can't get hurt again, hurt another again. But it's so hard to resist... I keep getting lost in daydreams about those lovely, long hands...

OH FUCK NO. NO. NONONONONONO.

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(Caramelina)

Dear Emem,  
I-I don't believe it, everything has gone from bad to worse, yesterday during potions, I saw Remus writing in a diary... I know I shouldn't have been looking, I KNOW! but... I had this feeling, You know my feelings the ones where I go all weird and it feels like parts of me are separating and coming back at new places, knowing new things, I knew I had to see that Diary... and you know what it said? Remus Like Severus, Not only was I right about Remus being hum, gay, but... I was right about Remus and Severus too!  
And he thinks I like Sirius... I DON'T LIKE SIRIUS GOD DAMMIT, Sirius just wants to screw me cause he's never had a slytherin, or that's what it looks like...  
He sweet. I know, but he doesn't know what love could be...  
Wanna know something strange? It was my first kiss when Sirius kissed me, and do you know what I was imagining? Remus.  
So this finalizes it...I AM GOING TO KILL SEVERUS SNAPE!! It you could see me right now, You'd know I sighed, because I know i won't kill him...never will I hurt him...he's my best Friend after all.  
Maybe I should give Sevy a chance to be with Remus, I love him so much, I just want him to be happy...right? He would never like me anyways, clumsy, clumsy me, after I read that part of his diary, I lost grip of the bottled potion in my hand and dropped it all over him(I don't even know what effects it caused him!)), then ran out of the class sobbing. I couldn't be more stupid.  
I'm actually in the bathroom right now, I finally stopped the sobs, even though the paper seems to be wet with tears...  
Someone's coming...

(Ten minutes later…)

Well..humm..Sirius Black decided he was going to come into the girls bathroom and get one his knees and ask me if I wanted to go to Hogsmeade with him... then he got up, and wiped the last bit of tears away, and kissed me...yet again. I do not know what's gotten into him...seriously, he's probably trying to make Remus jealous, cause everyone seems to be loving him lately... but the problem is... Remus wasn't here...  
I'm going to go pretend everything is fine now,  
One bit of advice Emem,  
DIARIES SUCK! Cause it seems none of them stay private.  
Ciao  
Caramel

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(Remus)

April 20th, 1973, Fifth Year (later)

I'm writing this now from the hospital wing, because Caramelina took it upon herself to drop a potion on me. It was supposed to be a harmless acne-clearing potion (which I wouldn't have needed anyways; I'm rather proud to say I always keep my skin in the best of health), but it turns out she hadn't made it quite right. Probably not paying attention, just like in Defense classes. The result was that not only did I get violently sick all over James and Sirius, but my hair has now turned pink at the tips. I mean, what more can I do? Wear a sign on my back announcing to the world that i'm bi?

Sirius keeps talking about Caramelina and something to do with Hogsmeade. He gets rather nostalgic every time he mentions it, though, so I can't bring him down to earth enough to ask him before he's onto another subject. Well. I hope they're happy anyways.

Snape... kissed me today. Once I'd gone back to feeling normal and stopped throwing up, of course. That was the only time Madame Pomfrey would let him in. He just sort of stood there for a moment, looking at me like he looks at everything - without a drop of emotion on his face - and then he just... kissed me. Just once, barely a touch even, and yet... somehow, it was better than anything I'd ever had with Sirius. From the very first moment, Sirius was aggressive, passionate, dominant... and Snape was just... sweet.

But I can't like him. I can't, I can't, no matter how gentle he was, no matter how nice it felt, now matter how much I suddenly wish I could do it again, I can't. I swore to myself that I would never hurt another again, and I keep my promises.

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(Severus)

april twenty

i kissed remus lupin. yes, you heard me, i bloody fucking kissed remus lupin, on the mouth, and i think he may have actually liked it. i mean, i couldn't really tell, because the moment i stopped i got so freaked out i just sort of ran, but oh, he tasted so good, and even if he didn't care, doesn't feel anything for me even now, i'll have that memory...

but i can't tell caramelina. she'd die. or kill me. or commit a murder-suicide. or something. oh, fuck, but i have to tell someone... this diary is much more helpful than i thought it would be... i can tell it anything and it won't whisper behind my back like everyone else.

thank god.

OH FUCK I BLOODY FUCKING KISSED REMUS BLOODY FUCKING LUPIN.


	9. April 21, 1973

**Diary Wars**

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_Names in ( ) indicate whose diary follows. Chapters are arranged in chronological order, datewise._

(Caramelina)

Dear Emem,

My anger burns,  
But so do my tears

Few words will describe how i'm feeling right now...  
It was a wonderful day for me, perfect, until Sirius decided to escort me over to Remus(who is in the Hospital wing because of me. I had been ranting about how terribly horrible I felt and how much I wanted him to get better...and Sirius was tired of hearring me say I was a screw up, truth was... without Remus around I did everything well, nothing was ever hard for me...but he clouds me...and i don't know why.

After an hour and a half of hearing me rant, Sirius grabbed me by the hand and led me to the hospital wing, leaving me in front of the door, saying that I needed time alone to talk to him. He then walked away... I didn't expect what I'd see...  
It felt as if the world was crashing down around me, there was sevy, kissing Remus, I felt as if I had died and gone to hell..

Sirius, who apparently hadn't gone too far rushed back seeing my expression, luckily by the time he came back the two were done with their whatever they were doing...but I hadn't been so lucky. I burst into tears against Sirius's chest, and he held me tightly. He made me feel safe...as if I was actually loved by someone. And then-then, I was..vulnerable, and we, we went back to the Gryffindor dormitories...and...  
I can't even say it... I can't even tell you how much i regret it all... but it gets worse...

The next morning I woke up in the boys dorm, I knew Remus was just getting out of the hospital wing. I rushed down the dorms, getting stunned looks from the boys in Sirius's dorm, I sure hoped news wouldn't travel fast... or at all for that matter. But there was something burning deep inside of me, anger... As soon as I saw Remus, it all hit me...It was his fault I had lost my virginity to Sirius, his fault I was ready to jump off a building, his fault that I have lost the only good things about me; my love...that was all i ever had anyways wasn't it? I had the ability to love like no other person in my family, or person in Slytherin, I was pure...not anymore, and I blamed it all on him.

I walked up to him more sad then angry, and for the first time I was able to form words around him, "REMUS JOHN LUPIN!!" I could hear my voice quivering with tears, but even I couldn't deny that my voice was strong. "I-I HATE YOU!" I stamped my foot hard on the ground. "I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU!!!!!!IT'S YOUR FAULT! YOU TAKE EVERYTHING FROM ME! MY FRIEND, MY HOPE, MY LO-" I stopped seeing that Severus had made an attempt to step towards me, "NO! GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME YOU, DON'T TOUCH ME!" i yelled louder than I think I've ever yelled in my life. "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME HUH? DID I NOT DESERVE IT? AM I SCUM? NOT EVEN AN EXPLAINATION FROM MY BEST FRIEND?!" My eyes rested on the both of them, both seemed speechless, and It was one of the only times I have ever seen an emotion in Severus's eyes. After that speech I stormed out, and back to Sirius's dormitory, where he was still asleep... You could just imagine how many mistakes I made after that...  
I think, I think I will go and cry for a bit, not even Alice's cheering could do me any good at the moment, I just need- you know what? I don't even know...  
I'll write more later, If i don't jump off a bridge first.  
Caramel

* * *

(Severus)

caramelina hates me and lupin, for no apparent reason. that is, i'm sure there is one, but she won't tell me what it is and in fact throws things at me whenever i ask, so i can't really expect a good explanation for the way she just went up to lupin today and started yelling at him, yelling how she hated him, how he took everything from her, ruined her life, i mean, i know she loves him and everything but that's a bit of a frightening turnaround in a record twenty-four hours. and then she started yelling at me when i tried to step in and stop her decapitating him or something, because honestly, she looked like she would.

i didn't see her in the dorms at all last night either, which is odd, she's usually first to bed...

i wish the world would stop being such a fucking rip-off. the moment the boy you've dreamed about for months kisses you, the only person you've ever told about it wants to rip your balls off and nail them to the wall with a little plaque and a witty epitaph.

i need to go curse something.

* * *

(Remus)

April 21, 1973, Fifth Year

Caramelina hates me. Thank god. Now I know that there's absolutely no chance whatsoever of her ever finding out what I am. She'll hate me for a while, and then forget about me. until i've faded from her mind completely and there is nothing there but a faint memory that makes her blush with embarassment at ever being so childish. How could she have been so stupid, she'll think. To love a boy who loved her best friend.

Oh, I know she knows. I know she saw. I can tell her scent easily, and she was there, at the door, when Snape kissed me. She saw it all, I know she did. And I am glad. Glad because she hates me, and because she knows i'm taken.

Part of me wishes it weren't this way. Part of me didn't want her to have lose faith - to have to stop dreaming. I was something for her to live for, to hope for, and I've ripped that way from her; I, The very person she loved, has ruined that love. And it hurts to think about it. So I don't.

No, I don't. Instead, I closet myself away in a niche with Snape when I should be in the library studying and drown myself in his taste and his basil-smell. It's amazing that a boy who has admitted himself that he has no experience in the field of relationships is this good at kissing.

I love how shy we are, how uncertain. With Sirius, everything was rushed, his confidence so overpowering that my own meager store of it was pushed away, until I was meek and willing in his arms, but with Snape... we are both afraid. Both unsure of what to do, scared of making a mistake, and this is only kissing! It's... refreshing. I adore it. I adore him.

I shouldn't, I know. James and Sirius will kill him if they ever find out, and severely injure me. But... I just can't stop myself. It's like an addiction.

Like poison.


	10. April 23, 1973

**Diary Wars**

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_Names in ( ) indicate whose diary follows. Chapters are arranged in chronological order, datewise._

(Caramelina)

Dear Emem,  
It just wasn't enough that I had thrown up till all that came up was bile. It just wasn't... I haven't been going to classes anymore, Slughorn has come to see me, demanding I go back, but Abigail insisted I was ill and Sirius hasn't been able to touch me without earning a slap and a long cry, I-I think I've completely lost all hope. I've been even throwing things at my best friend, my best friend...I think I'll scoff now... They are happy now, the few times I have come out of the dorm was to see the exchange in smiles that only the purely obsessed would notice. Shouldn't I be happy for him? I wanted to, I loved Sevy with all my heart, but it felt as not only was Remus taken from me (not that I ever had him) But Sevy was as well. Was I just being overly dramatic? Yes I do take things to heart, the bruises that have still not healed are the reason for it isn't it? I can't trust anyone, they will only hurt me.  
The saddest part is... neither cared. I was right, when saying in my childish rants I was unimportant.  
I talked to Sevy too today, if you could call it talked, I hit him, then I asked him why I wasn't good enough? I'm stupid. Yes I know, I think I'll give him a shot? Maybe when it hurts less, yet...I know that it will never hurt less. I'm going off now, actually leaving my room. First I'm going to see Sirius, then Severus... we need to have a talk. I hope he doesn't mind I'm staying in my Pj's...well anyways, Today, if I don't go to Potions, then Slughorn said he is sending Madame Pomfrey.  
I sure hope he was kidding... because it's a little late now.  
Talk to you later,  
Caramel

* * *

(Severus)

april twentythree

so much has happened, so, so much, and i barely know how to write it all down, how to put words to it, i! i who have never failed to write the wittiest essays, the best dissertations in the entire bloody school, cannot find words to write in an ungraded, informal diary.

lupin is beyond amazing, everything i'd imagined but so much more... real. gone are the childish, uninformed fantasies, to be replaced by the most amazing reality possible, full of kisses in dark corners and whispers and... love. i love him, i know i do, it doesn't matter that neither of us have actually said it yet... we're afraid to, i think; afraid that the moment we finalize this, make it real with that last, clanging statement, something will happen and we will be inevitably ripped apart, probably by james fucking potter or sirius dickface black, and it will all be over. but the kisses and the touches in and of themselves, regardless of what we say to accompany them, are wonderful, soft, perfect... lupin. so utterly lupin. it's like being enfolded by another consciousness and held, and made perfect. so perfect. just like him. i wish i had that perfection, but all i have is a body covered in bruises and scars and a mind no less damaged, as imperfect as a human being can get. he is my redemption. together, we are whole.

i wish that i could tell him that i love him. i wish. but every time i think i've worked up the courage, the words... just won't come. i wish i weren't such a bloody coward, wish i had even an ounce of his beauty... if i did perhaps i wouldn't be so unsure. i don't want to be rejected, i don't want to be left by the boy who gave me my first kiss, i don't want any more pain than i already suffer in my normal everyday life. i just want eons and eons of perfection with him, holding him and being held by him in the back of the library where no one ever comes, forgetting the cruel outside world, safe with each other behind the masks we have created and only set aside when we're together and no one is looking our way, safe in the knowledge that other will not judge us for past misdeeds, and yet at the same time horribly unsure, afraid of messing up, wanting everything to be utterly perfect...

why must love be like this? why must it be a thing of contradictions, oxymorons? why is it not a thing of logic, something i can piece together, analyze, understand? the one thing that seems to be the biggest problem in my life is something that i have no idea how to fix. it's heartbreaking and wonderful at the same time.

look at me, rambling on about love. i still have to talk about caramelina.

i now know the cause of her insane object-chucking earlier this week; she saw me kiss lupin, that very first time, in the hospital wing. it made me angry, to think that a moment that perfect had to be spoiled by her, watching, getting her own ideas, finding out. i wanted to tell her gradually, not have her realize it on her own and come to conclusions she shouldn't. i didn't want to hurt her and i did it anyways, but it's her bloody fault for looking in the first place. she hit me, she wanted to know why she wasn't good enough; she thinks lupin is taking her place, can you believe it? as if. a best friend and lover are two very different things, and if she thought that i would abandon her just because i finally found someone to love me she was sadly misinformed. how dare she think me that shallow, that uncaring? how dare she! HOW BLOODY FUCKING DARE SHE?!

it's not my fault that remus chose me first, not my fault that i love him in return, not my fault that she was off losing her fucking virginity to sirius black while i was realizing that i'd really, actually kissed remus lupin, not my fault that she's a little slut who has sex with gryffindors when they're feeling down... oh, i wish she'd just forget. i wish she'd forget completely and go back to being an oblivious little girl, who i can still talk to, or better yet, i wish she'd just get over herself and be happy for me. we always agreed that whomever lupin chose would be entitled to him fair and square, and the other had no right to be a bitch about it, and of course the first thing she does is go and be bitchy at me and lupin, the little shit.

ohhhhh, god. i have no idea what to do. i'm so confused. one half of me is so desperately in love with lupin that i'd kill for him, the other half doesn't want caramelina to get hurt, and... and i don't know which half i care about more. i don't want to have to make a choice.

it hurts.


	11. April 24, 1973

**Diary Wars**

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_Names in ( ) indicate whose diary follows. Chapters are arranged in chronological order, datewise._

(Caramelina)

Dear Emem,  
The week seemed to progress slowly, a little too slowly for my liking, not attending classes and staying in your dorm all day is only fun if you do not want to die... of course Abigail has been giving me nightly updates, and Lily and Sirius have come to visit under an invisibility cloak(I wonder where it came from?). but this isn't the point of this diary entry, I confess myself greatly distressed.  
See, I have discovered my reasons for my excessive sickness, and my emotional rants (other than Remus that is...) and my unwillingness to even talk to anyone other than Lily and Abigail (and maybe Sirius from time to time). It is as if all my misfortunes have been leading up to this time, Have you guessed it yet? I'm pregnant. I'm sorry for being so blunt but life is blunt.  
This is never how I've expected it would be. I expected to be married, living in my little mansion that has been picked out for me by my mother since I was five, and I should be happy.  
It seems I am not the only one afraid, when I told Sirius, he ran away. I don't know where he went, his eyes widened and he scurried off to the Gryffindor common room. I'm pretty sure that Sirius told Remus, after all they are Best friends, all the marauders probably know by now...  
And then I told Severus, he-he called me a slut, and told me I deserved it for sleeping around with gryffindors. Out of anger, I cried, out of sadness, I muttered that he shouldn't be the one to lecture. My emotions are screwed up. I haven't heard back from Sirius and am left, like usual, in the shady 6th slytherin dorm.

For someone having a person growing inside of them, I feel so alone...  
Caramel

* * *

(Severus)

april twentyfour

caramelina got herself pregnant. it's what she gets for sleeping around with gryffindors, the little slut. she says i'm one to talk, haven't i been all over the castle with remus lupin? but we haven't yet gone _that_ far. we've kept some level of self restraint, thank you very much, but her? oh no, she's content to lose her virginity and get pregnant in the same bloody week, to and by a gryffindor, and sirius black, no less! it's a disgrace to the entire slytherin house. if only they knew, they'd lynch her in a split second, but i'm not yet so angry at her that i'll abandon her to their tender mercies.

it worries me that i still cannot bring myself to call lupin 'remus', let alone tell him i love him. i know i do, i have for ages, but gods, i'm so scared, and i wish i wasn't, damn my insecurities... if we were to do more than kiss, if we were to make love, perhaps i'd know, perhaps i'd have some inkling as to how much he really means to me -- oh god, i want to have him, to hold him, i'm tired of being a virgin at fifteen and having to content myself with dreams, i want him to _fuck_ me...

i don't know where that came from. normally i'm much more reserved than that in matters regarding sexual desires... he seems to awaken something in me, something dormant, something wild that until now i'd repressed for fear of what it could do to those around me, and yet, he's tamed it as well as set it free...

he and i will never be like caramelina and black, something rushed, something... unsavored. i vow it, right now, right here. i will never let this love degenerate into meaningless touches and empty words. i can't let that happen to me like it's happened to her. i love him too much for that.

in fact, i simply love him too much.


	12. April 25, 1973

**Diary Wars**

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_Names in ( ) indicate whose diary follows. Chapters are arranged in chronological order, datewise._

(Remus)

April 25, 1973, Fifth Year

Something's up with Sirius. He seems... jumpy. Every time we have potions he sits as far away from Caramelina's table as possible, where she and Severus are sitting looking away from each other pointedly even as I write this. I hope I haven't caused this new rift between them, and yet that seems to be the inevitable- I seem to be the cause of all of Caramelina's problems lately. She seems sickly lately, and I wonder why...

I wonder why Severus won't say he loves me, won't call me Remus. I wish he would. We've been so close... but i'll give him his time. He's just so unused to this type of relationship I think, so unused to being on such a level with another person... it's flattering, really, to think that he trusts me that much. But I don't know if he trusts me enough for what I have come to want recently. I'm watching him now when i'm supposed to be brewing my potion, and he looks so... vulnerable. Nobody but I could sense it, but to me, he looks sad and tired and beautiful despite the bruises and the concealing curtain of hair. I wonder how vulnerable, how beautiful he'd look if I were to... no. I won't. Not yet. Not until he asks first. I want to make sure he's comfortable with it before taking that step. He's so easily hurt that I can't take a risk on it. For the first time in my life, I have something to protect. I'm so used to being sheltered and protected myself, and it feels good to no longer be the meek Remus Lupin, but rather someone who can care for another, keep them safe. It feels good.

Slughorn will get mad at me if I don't finish my potion. I have to go.


	13. April 27, 1973

**Diary Wars**

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Omg, mentions of mansex! If that squicks you, don't read!

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Names in ( ) indicate whose diary follows. Chapters are arranged in chronological order, datewise._

(Severus)

april twenty-seven

i have absolutely no idea what to say. i am lying at the moment in disheveled white sheets, closeted behind blue hangings, sore and sated and not quite sure what the fuck just happened. remus, my remus, is curled up against me, his chest against my back, one arm thrown loosely, possessively across my waist.

but i have to write it down before it's lost in the haze that this strange new act seems to produce.

i don't even really know what started it. one moment we were kissing in the library, like we normally do, closeted behind the bookshelves on an old window seat, shy and soft like always, and then next his hands are up the back of my shirt and he's bending me slightly backwards with the force of his kissing. it's an almost breathtaking sight when he pulls back, his face flushed, his lips slightly pinker and fuller from our kissing, and i can't help but stare. there's this look on his face, this... predatory gleam in his beautiful amber eyes that i've never seen before, and oh, fuck, i should have the sense to know where it was going to lead but i... i pull him back for another kiss, even wilder than the last, and... and...

it's a blur to me, but somehow we end up in his dormitory, all the wildness gone as soon as it had come, both suddenly afraid, unsure as we lie side by side on his four-poster, safe behind the curtains, tied shut with a silencing charm... let it never be said that i do not think ahead.

'are you sure you want-' he says abruptly, but i cut him off, gently touching a finger to his lips, then running that same finger over them, unable to stop myself. he's perfect. so perfect. even the scars on his face and his chest that i am now baring as i undo the buttons on his shirt add to that perfection. but his voice is the most perfect of all, whispering my name, so gentle...

i wish he didn't have to see my scars, my bruises, my utter imperfection. and yet, if his scars make him so perfect, how are mine any different? they are all one and the same, borne of pain and solitude and sadness, and... and he is kissing me and I can't think, have no time for philosophy, those perfect hands roaming over the very scars I don't want him to see, a pile of discarded clothing mounting by the foot of the bed, and then he is pushing back my hair from my face, and i'm trying to stop him, this at least he cannot see, but...

'oh, severus,' he says softly, painfully, leaning in to press small kisses to the livid, purple bruise around my right eye that i've kept covered so diligently for the past few weeks. i tremble slightly; the pressure of his mouth on the sensitive skin is painful, and yet, oddly comforting. the coolness of his lips soothes the twinging flesh until there is nothing left but a small, dull ache. he feels perfect against me, his skin like velvet, the scars interesting blemishes, adding detail, i just want to lay here and memorize him, never mind what i know is coming next, what is inevitable...

he is kissing me as he takes me, probably to distract me from the pain, and it only half works, because i don't want to be distracted. i want this moment to be burned into my memory forever; our two abused, scarred bodies melting into one, neither of us caring anymore about the other's imperfections or, indeed, even our own, the way his eyes widen slightly, as though surprised, while my own close halfway beneath suddenly heavy lids. it hurts, but i don't care; it's him.

all that can truly be said is that it is awkward, and painful, and oh, so perfect. just what i wanted my first time to be. i care nothing for those sad facades of sex that are so often publicized in books - i wanted sex, real sex, in all it's maladroit glory. and that's what he gave me, in that tender way that only he can, until his gentleness completely negated the pain, and i could just enjoy it, unafraid, unable to care, just needing him, him, so close...

and so we lay here, warm and moist with each other's sweat, in a soft post-coital haze. even as i write this he nuzzled a bit closer, mumbling something into my shoulder, smiling.

'i love you.' it just feels right to tell him.

we are everything.


	14. April 28, 1973

**Diary Wars**

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Omg, mentions of mansex! If that squicks you, don't read!

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Names in ( ) indicate whose diary follows. Chapters are arranged in chronological order, datewise. 

(Caramelina)

Dear Emem,  
Now that I have finished being sick, I think it is alright to sit here writing this. You, diary, are my only friend as it seems. It makes me numb so much more than it pains me, for I do not understand the misfortune which has been cast upon me. I am as always, going to complain, but I'm not a child. I settled that when I went off and got myself pregnant as everyone so kindly puts it.  
I hope-to god- that no Slytherin finds this out anytime soon, I would be murdered not only by them, but by my father. Which is my first worry, he would undoubtedly kill my baby, I know this because if he could come within inches of killing his own...he is capable of anything. What can I do now? My previous plan (which was supposed to help me feel better) made me feel worse... would you like to hear a sad story yet again? I am this time calmer in telling it as my system will not be able to take anymore break downs, especially since it will do harm to the baby.

Today was the day that I finally went back to classes after my long absence. Not only did i get strange looks, but a great big hug from Lily and Alice, I think they thought I'd never come out of my dorm. Still it was too much for me to handle, I couldn't even look at Sevy, let alone talk to him, we kept bumping into each other while trying to put the ingredients into our potions, and lack of communication didn't help either. So I gave up, and after potions I retreated back to the slytherin common room, put on my pj's and wrapped myself in a blanket. I had finished all the homework assigned in every class(Abigail yet again my god –send) so I decided to tidy up the place (the house elves would have less work later on that night). My head was spinning and I felt like I'd throw up but I needed something to keep me busy.  
After a quick wipe down of the little mantles, and a small cleaning of the chairs, I found something logged in between the couch cushions of Sevy's favorite couch.

Of course, I knew what it was right away when I saw it, the small book was filled with tiny writing that could only be Severus's, I opened it cautiously at first, knowing that this was wrong but something fuelled me to continue. I read every entry of his diary. Before I finished, the thing that stuck out at me most was how much he hated me... almost every entry contained a small paragraph disgraced by my name and all the things that I thought were wrong with me, now I knew to be wrong with me.  
But the worst part of all the entries... was the last one, not only did it shatter my heart in a million and one pieces, but it made something dawn upon me, Sevy didn't need me...

You might have guessed that those weren't my initial thoughts; my initial ones were irrational and angry,  
My mind was filled with 'What is this? I don't understand... is this some sort of punishment? That is what it is... I'm being punished... by the boy I call my best friend.'  
But what I said to him was worse... I stayed in the common room all day, just sitting there, rereading and rereading the entries until I memorized each word, that if I needed to cite them... I would be able to.  
He entered unusually early today, I think he realized he had forgotten something, and when he saw me sitting at his chair with the book in my hands... his eyes widened.  
It didn't take long before my voice had gone from sweet to harsh, I didn't scream surprisingly, it was more of a hiss, a very hurtful hiss, from what I remember it started off like this:

"Nice read isn't it?" I waved the Diary in front of his face and his lips thinned, he was clearly displeased. I think he was a little scared... even though he would never show it, weirdly I could smell his fear, maybe it is because I am around him so much...  
I went on, and i swore, you see... I don't usually swear, I have to be really angry to swear...

"Every fucking page? That's how much I'm loved isn't it? That's how much im worth. I tell you everything Severus, Do you know why my father beats me?" I didn't wait for him to answer me. "It's because I'm not good enough, and I think he's right because as it seems I'm not good enough for you either...am I?"  
He tried to speak but I cut him off, "I'm happy for you Severus, you got what you wanted. You got Remus, and now I'm out of your hair."  
I ran to the stairs, but stopped before going up, and as if i haven't been throwing things enough at him lately, I turned around and threw the diary at him, then rushing up the stairs to cry.

Now that it is over... I just really want to hug him, and tell him I forgive him for everything... and just hope that he will accept me. But I cannot do that, things are too weird... too damaged. I hadn't even mentioned the last page to him, I couldn't bear if I said it aloud, because if I did... It would mean it actually happened.  
I have realized that the entry is long, very long, and maybe I should rest a bit? I'm putting my baby in a lot of stress lately... and it's not like Sirius is helping either, he has been ignoring I exist. I will try to sleep(something I promised Lily), If I succeed, maybe for one moment I could dream because in my dreams is the only place things can be as I want them...  
Caramel

* * *

(Severus)

april twenty-eight

i am crying. i am crying and i hate myself for it, why do i always have to be so weak, such a vulnerable little idiot, why can't i just steel myself to things and forget? but no, i can't forget a thing, i can't get it to go away, and i am in pain, sitting here behind the curtains of my bed, crying like a bloody child. i hate it, i hate it, i hate it!

i hate caramelina and her stupid inability to ever just remain oblivious, i hate her and her stupid over-emotional reactions to everything, i hate how i can't go one day without her ruining it! why did she ever have to find my diary? why did she have to read it? stupid prying little fucker! she's ruining what i have with remus because of her own stupid wants and needs - doesn't anyone else ever matter to her? but no, it's just 'do you know why my father beats me? oh it's because i'm not good enough!' well you know what, cara, you self-obsessed little twit, you're not the only one whose father beats them! you're not the only one who has to live in constant fear of waking up one morning to be pulled out of school and taken home for a couple of days of nothing but being locked in your room, the only time the door opens being when your dad decides he's bored and wants to whack you around a bit with a broken beer bottle! for the first time in my life i'm happy, i've got someone else who understands how it feels to be scarred, to be hated for something they can't change, and you're trying to take it away from me, just like everything else! I WISH YOU WOULD JUST DIE!

...

no i don't. i don't even know where that came from. oh, god, it's just like she said, i can't go a page without saying how horrible she is, what sort of friend am i? has it always been like this and i've just been too blind to see it?

i don't know what to do... and it hurts so much... why does love have to be like this?

why?


	15. April 29, 1973

**Diary Wars**

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Omg, mentions of mansex! If that squicks you, don't read!

* * *

Names in ( ) indicate whose diary follows. Chapters are arranged in chronological order, datewise. 

(Remus)

April 29th, 1973, Fifth Year

There's something wrong with Severus, and i'm worried. He's so... fragile all of a sudden. I have to be extra careful not to set him off, or he starts crying. The poor thing, I wonder what happened... but he won't tell me. And just like before, i'll give him his space. It worked wonders last time...

Yes, we... had sex. I didn't know he was a virgin, but it doesn't really surprise me. It was wonderful, though. I don't think i'm ever going to forget it... he was beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. He won't believe it when I tell him, but i am adamant.

It hurts me to see him sad like this, for a reason he won't tell me and therefore I cannot cure. But he looks so peaceful, cuddled up against me like this in the same chair, that I can't bear to press the subject and harm him further. All I can do is stroke that lovely, long black hair and hope everything works out.

All I can do is love him.


	16. April 30, 1973

**Diary Wars**

* * *

Omg, mentions of mansex! If that squicks you, don't read!

* * *

Names in ( ) indicate whose diary follows. Chapters are arranged in chronological order, datewise. 

(Severus)

april thirty

my mother is not ill. my mother is dead.

i know, because i watched her die, hiding behind the door, only eight years old. they'd been fighting again, and i'd heard... he stabbed her to death, right in front of me. and then... he just left the body there, lying in the middle of the living room. just left it there, for days, until i wouldn't even come out of my room, because i couldn't look at her, lying there, missing half her face. the only reason he finally got rid of it was the smell.

and yet he still uses her as an excuse to pull me out of school, to bring me home and beat me, whenever he's displeased, whenever the latest slut he calls his girlfriend dumps him because she's found someone richer and younger, whenever he doesn't like the way someone looks at him just so, it's time to write a letter to the school and use my mother's owl to deliver it, my dead mother's poor old owl, asking if they wouldn't please let my mother's only son home for a while so that he can visit his ailing mother and comfort his poor muggle father.

or the beast that's stolen him. he never used to be this way, never used to beat me or my mother, but then... then he found out about alcohol and everything just sort of fell apart and all the money was gone on the drinking and all his sanity was gone with the money and we were just objects to be used when he was angry, which was every moment of every day... and we couldn't do a thing. i was too young and my mother was too fragile - she'd always been a small, frail little witch, and having a son hadn't helped, and now... now she was practically defenseless against a man nearly a foot taller than her, and i couldn't stop it anymore than she could... and now she's dead and it doesn't matter, doesn't matter, doesn't matter...

and so i lay here and cry on my bed in room, the bed whose sheets, just like almost everything else in this torture chamber, are stained with my own blood. thank god i go back tomorrow. i don't think i can stand another day, locked here in my room, the only time the door opens being when my father comes in to beat me. i don't even get food. and everyone assumes i'm just naturally skinny...

i feel so utterly helpless, and i hate it. i should be able to fight back, and yet... the moment he enters my room, i am eight again, young and terrified and not really even understanding what's happening, my hair sticking to my cheeks from the blood and the tears... oh god, it hurts. i can barely move, i'm so covered in bruises and cuts. i think one of my ribs is broken. oh, oh, oh... i wish it were just over, wish that one of these days he'd just end it like he did with my mother, just kill me and forget me and leave me in peace in the middle of the living room, where i can watch him, remind him exactly who it is he's killed, remind him of all the times he made me cry...

i want to die. i want to forget...

i want it to be over.


	17. May 1, 1973

**Diary Wars**

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Omg, mentions of mansex! If that squicks you, don't read!

* * *

Names in ( ) indicate whose diary follows. Chapters are arranged in chronological order, datewise. 

(Caramelina)

Dear Emem,  
It has been days that I have been sitting in this chair- thinking things over and over- I have not had the strength to even move- and Madame Pomfrey now knows of my condition and has excused me from all classes until I feel well enough to go(and until if stop being violently ill). Sirius finally came around, he stood outside the common room, while i was having one of my fits, and waited patiently (even though he could have just entered because he knows every trick in the book) till Abigail took pity on him, and brought him in secretly to see me. He got on one knee, and pulled a box out of his pocket, and proposed, I didn't know what to say... so I told him I would have to think about it. He said he understood, and put it away, he gave me a swift kiss on the mouth, then disappeared.

With my long days with nothing but homework to do, I have reduced myself to thinking about everything- about life, about friends, even gossip consumed my mind in any hope to maybe, just maybe be normal for a few minutes. Abigail tried also, she talked about her relationship with Lucius Malfoy (something I am very disapproving of) but then my thoughts led to two other people I usually think about.  
The three of us have something in common – being pulled out of school randomly in the excuse of "mother is ill". Excuse but not reason, because an excuse is something false, a reason is something real. Two of us have the same reason, one of us- unknown to the world outside their own little bubble. But i know his secret. I know what he is trying to hide from everyone; I watch him as closely as humanly possible- and then some. Truthfully, it doesn't bother me all that much. The fact that I love who he is and not what he is, is unconditional; I ask myself if Sevy knew but of course he did ...

But on to Sevy, his excuse came Wednesday night, he was returned to us this morning. I waited in the common room. Sitting at the same chair as the day before, he came in, more cut and bruised than ever before. I could not- in any state of hormonal anguish I was in- be angry at the fragile being that stood before me. I shot up as quickly as my aching body could handle it, and jumped onto him, hugging him fiercely, but not enough to press upon his bruises. I mumbled words, that not even I could comprehend, and he said something that was highly surprising, he said he was sorry. Nothing could make me cry happy tears more than those few words; I told him that I was so sorry, and that I wanted him and Remus to be really happy! And that I would march in the gay pride parade with him and Remus... (it's not like I didn't know Sevy way gay before anyways...)  
We made up, and he actually excused himself for what he said to me, and about me... strange huh?  
My Sevy almost never admits he's wrong... it was... weird...  
I think it's Remus... the boy is changing him.  
Can I be truthful?  
I am not completely happy with the relationship, I might never be...but it isn't about me, I'm having a baby with someone else, and they are happy...  
Now im off to have a happy afternoon with Sevy by the lake!  
For once I'm signing off mildly happy,  
Caramel


	18. May 2, 1973

**Diary Wars**

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Omg, mentions of mansex! If that squicks you, don't read!

* * *

Names in ( ) indicate whose diary follows. Chapters are arranged in chronological order, datewise. 

(Remus)

May 2, 1973, Fifth Year

Severus came back yesterday from being taken out of school. He looked so... fragile. He wouldn't even let me hug him; he says one of his ribs is broken. Oh, Severus, my poor, poor Severus... he's already told me all about his father, all about what he does, and it... it just makes me sick. That a father would do that to his only son is despicable.

Oh, god. We were alone, and he showed me the bruises, it's just... horrible. His skin is a fillet of cuts and bruises and scabs... and I think he's right, his rib does look broken, it's all... sticking out at a weird angle, and swollen. I just want to hold him, but I can't, or it hurts him. It's torture, seeing him, sitting there at the end of my bed, his head in his hands, crying, and I can't... do anything. I wish I knew what to do besides tell him it will be alright, because it won't, and telling him that I love him, because he already knows. He thinks he's so ugly, so... imperfect... but to me, he's beautiful, even with his scars and bruises... oh, Severus... I wish that you could see that side of you that I see when you look at me, the side that is perfect and whole and pure...

Someday, when you read this diary, and I know you will, think of me, and then look in the mirror. And maybe, for just one second, you'll see the part of you that I see, the part that is... beautiful.


	19. May 7, 1973

**Diary Wars**

* * *

Omg, mentions of mansex! If that squicks you, don't read!

* * *

Names in ( ) indicate whose diary follows. Chapters are arranged in chronological order, datewise. 

(Severus)

may seven

i want to die. i want it so badly that i can feel it like a fire in my heart, taking over me, pulling me in and in on myself until i am a small, compressed ball of energy, pulsing and tight and dangerous, waiting for just the right thing to set me off before i explode, finally snap and just take a knife and do the damn thing myself. it would be a blessing now that i have absolutely nothing to live for.

remus is gone. gone, gone, gone... dead to me, taken from me in the most brutal way possible... i have to write it down, but oh, i don't want to, don't want to finalize it, make it real... i can barely even read my own writing, it's so smudged by the tears... oh, fucking hell, what's wrong with me?! why can't i get a grip! i am nothing to no one anymore, i don't matter, why cry if there's no one who'll hold you, who'll tell you you're beautiful, and kiss you and make love to you when all you need is the closeness of another human body?

that's what i needed yesterday. the bruises and the rib had finally healed, thanks to my rather large store of knowledge on self healing (i would never stoop so low as to ask the school nurse for help), and remus... remus was there, pulling me into a corner, a dark niche of the library, holding me, finally able to now that my bruises had gone down, and i was just so desperate... it was like a blur, why is it always a blur, and suddenly it seemed i was kneeling, taking him, while he stroked my hair, told me i was perfect, told me all the things i'd been longing to hear for such a long time...

and then there was pain, and something blunt slamming into my face shattering my cheek and nose, and he was ripped away from me, and really, that separation hurt more than anything that happened after. it was that moment, that single moment where we lost contact, that something between us... broke. irrevocably broke, and oh, it hurts, so, so much...

there was blood, all over my face, my lips, running down into my collar, hot and sticky and salty in my mouth, my nose felt like it was in about three pieces... i didn't even want to open my eyes, but i had to, in one of those terrible masochistic moments, and... oh gods... black, right there, his face about two inches from mine, looking like he was going to rip my heart out, and remus, in the background, crying softly, curled in on himself while potter held his shoulders so that he couldn't help, and pain, more pain, so much more... he's shouting but i can't make out the words through all the blood and pain and haze, the world is swimming around me, i am screaming, remus is screaming, screaming for it all to stop, to end...

it's almost like i'm back in that moment now, that moment right before i blacked out, the last thing in my mind the sound of remus's terrified screams. my heart is racing, my hastily healed nose and cheek twinging again, pain, so much pain, oh gods, it hurts, it hurts so much...

and now he won't even look at me. he passes me in the corridors and looks through me like i'm not there, like i'm nothing to him, nothing... oh fuck, it hurts, seeing him, the boy i still love more than any other person in the world, completely oblivious to how much i hurt. how much i wish he'd reach out and touch me, comfort me again, hold me in his arms and touch my hair and say my name... but he doesn't care. i am nothing to him now. he is there, standing between black and potter, and i am forbidden from going near him. their eyes say so, the way they keep him close, never out of their sight... oh, remus... i feel so empty, so dead, so... hopeless. the only thing i had is dead to me.

i'm tired of it.

i'm ending it.


	20. May 9, 1973

**Diary Wars**

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Omg, mentions of mansex! If that squicks you, don't read!

* * *

Names in ( ) indicate whose diary follows. Chapters are arranged in chronological order, datewise. 

(Severus)

may nine

i'm doing this in the great hall because i want them all to see.

i don't really know why i'm writing in this godforsaken little book while i'm doing this, don't know why its suddenly seems desperately necessary to write it all down, to make sure everyone knows exactly what went on tonight, but... it is. i can't explain it, but there's almost something comforting in recounting the events of tonight of all nights, the night i am going to die...

i have cut my hair. all the long, silky strands i was so proud of are gone. they were the only part of me that i felt was really beautiful, but now? if i am to die, i am going to do it alone and obscure and utterly ugly, just like everyone will remember me. it doesn't matter anyway. the new lightness is odd, not having something brushing the back of my neck, my shoulders. it's short now, and only comes down to my chin, unruly and jagged at the bottom because i did the cutting with a knife.

i feel so... calm. so this is how it is to end. my hands aren't even shaking as i write this. it's all so inevitable, that i'm barely surprised. it's like i was ready for this for years. and i was. i just never had the courage. i've wished for so long that i wasn't such a coward, and now? now i suppose i'm not. i'm doing this, aren't i? i'm showing them all! i'm finally getting over my own fragile fucking self and doing something. pity it's the last thing i'll get a chance to do, but... you can't have everything.

so this is it. i'm really doing it. make the slit there, and there again. i don't even feel it, i'm so used to the pain. the blood is intoxicating, so red and warm and wet... that's my life, running down my arms, and i almost smile. it's done. it's over. finally, after so long, i can have some peace. i'm writing this even as i sink down onto my side, blood pooling around me already, staining my cheek and my hacked-up hair and the pages of the book in which i write. i can feel the world giving out around me. melting away. leaving me, finally, taking it's terrible troubles elsewhere.

it's over. i am dying, or already dead. oh, thank god.

let them see what their actions have wrought.


	21. May 11, 1973

**Diary Wars**

* * *

Omg, mentions of mansex! If that squicks you, don't read!

* * *

Names in ( ) indicate whose diary follows. Chapters are arranged in chronological order, datewise. 

(Caramelina)

Dear Emem,  
I do not regret. I do not regret anything I did.  
I feel as if I am writing lines for a teacher, I feel as if I have done something wrong and have to be punished. A life for a life, disordered thoughts, I think I have finally gone insane is what I have...Have I forgotten how to feel? I don't know what to think... I did nothing wrong though, then why am I being punished this way? and as I lay here in the hospital wing, I have no idea how to make sense of anything, the only thing I could do is relieve to you what I know and what happened...  
The things I will recount in this entry- will shock, even my own confused mind could know that.

It started off innocently looking for my best friend... a strange nightmare had haunted me the night before, I had been kneeling in a pool of blood... and I had been oddly clingy all day.

But then...it felt as if I was plummeting off a building. You see... I thought he was dead... my heart stopped when I saw him lying on the floor, blood pooling around him, oozing and glinting mockingly like a diamond in the light. I rushed over to his side, to his aid, his hair was gone- the hair that made him who he is was gone... He was wearing a terribly expression- one of vengeance.  
My blood froze in my veins staring at Severus Snape. I checked his pulse- it was faint, too faint, as if he would only be alive for seconds. I didn't even try yelling for help- it would be no use.

Shaking with sobs I tried to stop the bleeding, the muggle way, applying pressure to the many wounds, I knew I wouldn't have time to get him to the hospital wing. Even though I tried to think as clear as I could, I felt as if I was dying with him. My robes were drenched in his blood, and I finally decided I'd use others means, I pulled out my wand and started healing every tiny wound he had made; when the bleeding had slowed enough to move him, I levitated him to the hospital wing. But before I left, I picked up his blood stained diary in my shaking hands, and slid it into my pocket, knowing this would be the key to why Severus had tried to do this to himself.  
Madame Pomfrey told me he was at the brink of death, and if I hadn't been there. Madame Pomfrey tried shooing me from the hospital wing, but I would not leave- ever. I sat by his bed while she worked on him, nervously waiting, I opened his diary...  
Page by page my anger rose, and so did my pain, everything that happened I was oblivious to, the pain he was feeling...the things that I could have sensed from anyone else he hid so well. The fact he didn't even think of me... but it wasn't about me was it? This wasn't about me, and I had to stop thinking for myself, better judgement told me that if I didn't think for myself who would? But for just this little while, It needed to be Sevy, after all he was a part of me I could never explain to anyone, I didn't care that he probably didn't care about me... I cared for him more than I could ever form into words.

I felt broken inside, he tried to leave me...leave me on this god forsaken earth- and why? Because of the boy I loved, the boy who loved my friend and the boy who knocked me up?!  
No. I would not take this...  
I blamed this on Sirius, beating him to a bloody pulp and taking Remus away... I would make him hurt too...my lack of judgement is still hazy to me, I still think what I did was right.

I began my search the only logical place, the Gryffindor common room...  
He was glad to see me, figuring I had accepted his proposal, the other three came out as well, for reasons unknown to me, but I wished they hadn't. I started off slow, asking him what he had done lately, he answered sweetly, which infuriated me more.  
I then asked him if I knew where Severus was, he gave me a pained, disgusted look, and told me he didn't have a clue and didn't care honestly.

"Oh really?" I hissed, Sirius back away and looked over at the other boys, "He's where you put him." I think he thought I was referring to beating him...but I wasn't, this was more personal than just a few punches.  
My fist smashed into his nose, and I heard a loud crack, blood rushed onto my hand but I didn't care, I kicked him in the knees, making him fall to the ground.  
I heard him starting to mutter Caramelina please, Cara, Come on sweetie; you're going to upset the baby.  
But I didn't think...I haven't really been thinking a lot lately have I?  
"YOU BASTARD! YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYONE BUT YOURSELF DO YOU?" I hurriedly pulled out my wand and muttered two spells in one breath, giving him gashes exactly where sevy had them, then pointed it threateningly at his throat.

But I couldn't care less, after that I lost my head... I don't remember what I did...but Sirius was on the floor, bleeding as Sevy had been but not nearly as much. He looked up at me and told me to stop, he didn't want to hurt me or his baby. It seemed to fuel my anger... the moment her said it made me want to throw up, but more so hit him with all my might, I lunged at him, but James and Remus finally intervened, pulling me off of Sirius earned then bruises and scars that looked like it would have come from a person twice my size, even triple. I was screaming at the top of my lungs and I was starting to draw a crowd. I heard Sirius tell Remus and James to look into my eyes, Remus refused, while James looked afraid after he had done so.

Just then, I felt a terrible pang in my lower abdomen, and then the cramps came; I began gasping for breath because of the pain, feeling as though I might fall to my knees I looked down, there... I saw blood rushing down my thighs; I collapsed shortly after, my mind going blank outside the thought of "I'm losing my baby..."

I woke up hours later, Madame pomfrey leaning over and giving me a pained look, Sirius was in the bed opposite of me, and Severus beside me. There was a note on the cabinet near me bed, it was in Sirius's messing handwriting, and said "I forgive you, Hope the baby is ok – Sirius". I did not understand him any better than myself... All I knew was- the baby wasn't ok, the thing I had been nurturing was dead, and I could feel it all...  
I pulled myself out of the bed, sitting in the chair near Sevy's, I cried myself back to sleep...feeling as dead as Severus had tried to achieve.  
Caramel

* * *

(Severus)

may 11

i wake up somewhere warm and soft, and my first thought is, oh please, just go back to sleep. just fade off again. i don't want to be conscious anymore, i don't want to think, i just want quiet warmth and blackness forever... but i open my eyes, fool that i am. i am in a world of white. the walls are white, the sheets are white, and the woman who is standing by my bed has not deviated, but is rather wearing the same bright shade.

'is this heaven?' i ask, and am surprised to find how weak and rasping my voice is. 'am i dead?' looking back on it now, i feel so utterly stupid for having said it. what a cliche, idiotic question. 'is this heaven'. gods. but nevertheless i ask, so hazy and dizzy that i genuinely want to know, and don't realize what a stupid question it is.

she shakes her head with a gentle smile. 'no, love. this is the hospital wing. you're alive, thank god.'

'what the fuck do you mean i'm alive?!' i rasp, my voice almost to the normal speaking volume (it is the loudest I can get), and with a humungous effort manage to push myself up onto one elbow on my pillow, glaring as best i can at her with bleary, aching, unfocussed eyes. i am so, so angry, so heartbroken. something in me has snapped into a million little pieces, and each is stabbing and rending at my insides until i am a mess of roiling, seething sadness and agony. everything, for nothing. they couldn't even let me die in peace. no, they had to drag me back into this world that i hate, into this life that i hate, when i was so close, so close to being happy... so close to being redeemed... it's too much effort to hold myself up and i sway slightly before sinking weakly back into the sheets, tears pooling at the corners of my eyes. 'i was so... fucking... close.' she reaches out to pat my shoulder but i strike out with a hand, my longer than normal nails clipping her, taking a small sliver out of her arm. she curses and turns away to attend to the cut, leaving me to my sobbing.

i drift in and out of consciousness and sanity for the next few hours, wandering hazy paths between dark and light, only half taking in what is happening around me. at one point i think i see, through the mist, caramelina sitting by the bed, and i reach out to touch her, to comfort her, because she's crying, but i'm too drained to move. i can barely even force my eyes to open, and by the time i've managed it again in between the soft sliding in and out of consciousness, she is gone, and i am alone again.

they've been trying to feed me but i won't take it. if they won't let me kill myself, the least they could do is let me starve. i am determined to die, you see. one way or another, i'll get that lovely feeling of purity back. i can still remember it, just on the edges of my memory, hazy and beautiful: the feeling that everything was taken away, absolved, bitter and sweet at the same times. the feeling that i was weightless for once, and perfect. so perfect. i want that again.

it is another few hours of this drifting before i notice yet another familiar form standing by the bed. but this time, rather than wanting to console the form, i want to tear it apart and take it down with me. 'you,' i say quietly, glaring.

'severus, i'm sorry,' remus whispers, looking sad and forlorn and lost. 'so sorry. i couldn't come sooner, i would have talked to you but james and sirius kept me away, i don't have very long before they - '

'i don't want to hear what you have to say,' i whisper into my pillow, not looking at him, because i don't want him to see me crying.

'severus - '

'don't call me that, lupin.'

'severus, please -' he leans in, lightly touching my cheek, tears forming at the corners of his own eyes, 'please...'

i hit him. i pull back my arm, and, though it shakes, i manage to hit him square in the jaw, and i feel something shatter against my knuckles. it fills me with power, adrenaline, and for the first time, i can shout properly.

'YOU THINK THAT AFTER LEAVING ME YOU CAN JUST COME BACK IN HERE AND TRY TO MAKE THINGS BETTER?! YOU ABANDONED ME, LUPIN, ABANDONED ME RIGHT WHEN I NEEDED YOU, AND YOU SEE WHAT IT DID!' i push up my sleeves to show him the slit marks, just scabbing now, still red and livid. 'THIS IS WHAT YOU GAVE TO ME IN THE END, REMUS LUPIN! THIS IS WHAT I'LL HAVE TO REMEMBER YOU BY! YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A FUCKING FICKLE LYING BASTARD! NOW GET - AWAY - FROM - ME!' i end on a choking, wailing sob and collapse into myself, emotionally and physically spent, crying so hard it hurts my still fragile body. he doesn't say anything, but turns and leaves, his own shoulders shaking gently. and i don't care. i want the little bastard to cry. i want him to hurt. i want him to feel pain, as much as i can give him, enough to show him even one tenth of what he gave me.

i feel like throwing up.

* * *

(Remus)

May 11, 1973, Fifth Year

Oh, god. I don't even know where to start. I can't even... I just can't. I can't describe it. So much has happened, and it's all hurt so much... I can't write this anymore.

Severus tried to commit suicide. And do you know why? Because I was a heartless, thoughtless bastard and abandoned him after James and Sirius caught us making love in the library. I should have been there, to comfort him, I should have just ignored the two of them and stayed with him anyway, but i was too much of a coward, too meek next to my friends, and I abandoned him for them. Oh, god. Every time I had to walk by him it hurt so, so badly. Because he looked at me. Looked at me with that single showing beautiful black eye, almost pleadingly, and i just... looked through him. Or pretended to. I didn't want to have to see the heartbreak in his face, didn't want to have to see him shatter through those deep, dark eyes.

I just... the thought of him, lying there on the ground, with blood all around him... oh god. I can't even think about it without getting this terrible, melting feeling and this horrible burning in the back of my throat. This morning at breakfast I saw the bloodstain where it had seeped into the stone of the floor, saw the lighter patches where his body must have been... oh god oh god oh god, Severus, my Severus, and all because of me. I'm so, so sorry. I don't know what to do, what to say to make it better... I tried, but you hate me, you hit me, and now... now i am alone. utterly alone, and in pain, more pain than i've ever felt. But that's what you wanted, isn't it? Oh, god...

Look at me. I'm talking to a fucking book. I have to be going insane! But I wouldn't put that past myself. It hurts too much for me to still be whole.

But when James and Sirius are studying and Severus is unconscious, I sneak into the hospital wing, and just... look at him. At his thin, angular, bruised face, so much more visible now that he's cut his hair... oh, his hair. It looks so... wrong, short like this. Like an integral part of him is missing. When I know he can't see or care, I sit by his bed, and stroke what's left of his hair, and say everything I can't tell him when he's awake. How sorry I am, how much I wish I could have him back again, how much I want to take everything that I did back and just start over. How much I miss his voice and his eyes and his skin and that oh-so-rare, embarrassed half-smile that he used to save just for me...

Caramelina and I have been talking. Talking about everything that has happened, and about love, and life, and losing both, and how much it hurts. The poor thing lost her baby and yet she refuses to stay in her bed, but rather has practically claimed ownership of the chair next to Severus's bed, leaving me to steal another from one of the other beds. We sit there together for hours, looking at him and talking.

I don't think she realizes, though, how hurt Sirius is over the baby. He doesn't blame her, but... for the first time in his life, he had some responsibility, something to want, to wait for, to love and call his. He'd always wanted to have kids; he'd often tell us how he was going to spoil them and bring them up to be great Quidditch players like their Uncle James. Something in him broke when that baby died, and now he's got nothing left of his old self but a husk. He barely even talks. I'd never tell anyone else this, because he'd get angry at me, but... he's been crying himself to sleep.

Merrythought has pardoned our group from finishing that project, since two of our number are severely incapacitated and a third has been beaten rather badly by an irate Slytherin girl. So that's good, at least. Yes. Good.

I can't write anymore. I'm going to visit Severus.


	22. May 14, 1973

**Diary Wars**

* * *

Names in ( ) indicate whose diary follows. Chapters are arranged in chronological order, datewise. 

(Severus)

may fourteen

they gave up trying to feed me today. i feel oddly triumphant, though i'm too weak to truly enjoy it. i think they've realized that if i want to die, i damn well am going to die. but i am not the helpless little invalid just because i'm too weak to stand up. i never ask for anything. in fact, i wish they'd just leave me alone already, just forget about me, lying here in this soft, comfortable bed, until i'm gone, in peace and obscurity. until i can have that lovely feeling of redemption back.

caramelina is here a lot, sitting by my bed, just looking. we'll stay like that for hours, just looking at each other, our fingers discreetly entwined. she's waiting for me to die, i can feel it. everything has become a death watch for us, and i am just as curious as to when it will happen as the rest of them, but i don't have the same dread. it's oddly calming, to know i could die any moment... mostly because that's what i want.

it's so, so hard to write with hands that shake and tremble, emaciated and paler even than before, but i write, because i want it all to be taken down somewhere, to be able to be read by those who wonder why i did this to myself. i know perfectly well what i'm doing, know perfectly well that it practically stamps an 'unstable' mark on my forehead, but i don't care because i'll be dead soon anyways.

caramelina denies it, but lupin is here too, and often. i know because i can feel his fingers in my hair, and after having felt that once, i could recognize it anywhere.

i don't want him here. i don't want him to see me like this, don't want him to see what he did to me. i don't want his pity, or his love, or his apologies. i want him to leave me alone. i want the little bastard to have to see me die and know he can't do a bloody thing about it. i want him to hurt.

i want them all to hurt.

…

i'm a fool. i'm a fool, and i know it. i shouldn't be acting like such a little brat. fine. i'll eat. it won't do any good. i'll do it. fine.

fucking bastards.


	23. May 29, 1973

**Diary Wars**

* * *

Names in ( ) indicate whose diary follows. Chapters are arranged in chronological order, datewise. 

(Caramelina)

Dear Emem,  
It has been weeks now since I lost my baby. Not knowing how to feel and how to go on with my day with so much pain, is very hard I think. Sirius has come to visit me a lot, It was the hardest thing I ever had to do when i told him I lost the baby.  
I blamed it all on myself; I shouldn't have been so stupid...  
Sirius said he talked to Madame pomfrey and she said that it was common, I was just under way too much stress and that's what caused the miscarriage. But I don't believe it- not at all, It was completely my fault, i had to- had to beat up my fiancé yes...I said fiancé.  
I just had to...I had to over work myself, He's been trying to convince me, but I could clearly see he has his own pain...  
He held me while I cried, and I know he cried with me. He's broken too, he has that aura.  
I continuously ask myself, "What have I done?!"  
But then again, didn't I not want this baby?  
Even though I probably will not admit it off paper... I'm having a rather breakdown, I do want my baby- want her badly, she was going to be a baby girl, Sirius and I had discussed the names too- he wanted to name her Padfoot Jr., I of course told him he would be severely beaten if he even tried naming our baby Padfoot... what kind of name is that?  
I had bullied Sirius into choosing a name from a constellation, after looking through my astronomy notes way too many times I had found a name- Adhara, the second brightest star in Canis Major... right after Sirius. I really rather liked the idea of following the naming your child after a star tradition.  
Some friends and I had gone shopping for baby clothing, we bought a bunch of cute little outfits I will now never use... I have to tell you... it hurts to know I lost the only thing that really needed me.

Remus disappeared around the full moon, he usually comes around even at night but he didn't this time and I understood what was happening because the next morning he turned up in one of the Hospital wing bed, where I still inhabit.  
I asked him why he was there... and he lied, I could say I was disappointed, but I didn't expected him to tell me anyways. Still, I told him, the conversation went something like this:

"Are you hurt Remus?" I was feigning innocence, but not concern.  
He shook his head, "No... just a bad run in with a big black dog."  
"So this had nothing to do with the full moon then?" He visibly paled.  
I heaved a sigh and then crossed my arms, I felt cold.  
"You think I don't know?" I whispered to him. "Its the way I've watched, you, it's the way I've pined for you, the way my heart beats because of you, you play me for a fool if you even think for one second I don't know who you are, not what you are... You are Remus Lupin. No matter what happens every little while to you, as long as you're a good, decent person...I don't care."  
I don't know why... but my conversations always end with the person not saying a thing, do I always say something wrong? Lily sais it's because I leave people speechless, and that it is a good thing. But I dunno...

I've started to have nightmares again, Madame Pomfrey says I'm yelling in my sleep, this time they are about Sevy, I see him lying cold, pale and bloody on the ground... but I don't save him. I don't save him because I'm heartless and cruel and care about no one but myself. I don't know if that is true, but it has to be, something is telling that it's true and I don't know what it is. In every dream I try to help but nothing I do helps... the last one was the worst, he opened his eyes and I could feel him looking into my soul, but then he grabs my shirt and in a strangled voice yells, "This is your fault! It's all your fault!" and I understood what he meant...

Remus has especially taken this hard... he sits with me every day and just watches Sevy, sometimes we're quiet, sometimes we talk. I wasn't aware that Sevy woke, Madame Pomfrey told me not too long ago, but he is back in his own little state of unconsciousness again... and no one will tell me what happened while he was awake...  
He's been coming back every so often, I haven't had a chance to even get near, Madame Pomfrey had been keeping me away incase I have a break down, she says I am 'not emotional stable enough to talk to Severus Snape yet, and that it would just work you up too much to talk to him just yet.'  
I don't care, I want to see him now.  
In the back of my mind there is this horrible nagging, I know I shouldn't have been angry with him but I was, which led to something horrible...

I wanted to yell at him, tell him how stupid he was, and tell him by dying he was being nothing more than a coward! and sadly.. I did it.  
He was only awake for a few minutes and Madame Pomfrey was tending to a Professor who had gotten severely burned when a first year student tried a hex. Which means I was alone with him. The moment he saw me I started up, "Brave? that's what you thought you were being? You have no idea how much of a COWARD it takes to kill yourself, itseasy to die, but the hardest thing in this world, and any other, is to LIVE IN IT!"  
I felt a loud gasp escaped my lips, already I knew I shouldn't have said it; I had no right... no right at all to judge him. My lip trembled, I muttered an 'I'm sorry I didn't mean it...I love you Severus...' and before I knew it I found myself in a tiny ball outside of the Hospital wing (where you couldn't see me through the window), sobbing. It was the first time in months I had stepped out of the hospital wing.  
I only re-entered when I knew he had fallen asleep again...

I'm sorry if my words are jumbled... I haven't had much sleep, but I think I'll be fine...  
I know I'm a mess, but It's become increasingly hard to pretend I'm normal over the past few weeks, not to mention I was called home yesterday but I made a very stupid excuse, I told my dad the death eaters needed me. That sure satisfied him... he's still going to beat me though, it's not like that's going to stop... I just hope he doesn't do anything else this time...  
In conclusion... nothing is concluded  
Forever yours,  
Caramel


End file.
